From the Road - Oklahoma City

We are on our way to Albuquerque to visit my great-Aunt. Today, we drove about 8 hours to Oklahoma City. We got an early start this morning, and landed here mid-afternoon. We went directly to the Memorial for the 1995 Bombing attack.


Wow.


What a beautiful, respectful, hope-filled and deeply reverent memorial. The kids were very respectful, having listened to my lecture about the bombing and proper behavior on such sacred ground during the final leg of our journey. LilBro brought me from barely-under-control-emotional all the way to tears when he pointed out that some of the chairs representing victims were "just my size." Yes, LilBro. You're absolutely right. Some of the victims were just your size.

We went from there across the street to St Joseph's Old Cathedral for the 4pm Vigil mass, which DH nicknamed the "Rogers and Hammerstein" mass due to the style of music sung there. The homily was excellent, but I was definitely missing our musical director.

Finally, we drove to the hotel and checked in. This was the highlight of the day for the kids. It just doesn't get any better than this for them. A quick settling in, dinner, and we are back at the hotel. The kids are all pj'd and teeth-brushed, the beds have been sufficiently jumped-in, and they are now giggling in the other room, watching "Shrek 2."

DH and I are tucked in on the couch in the main room, watching "Harry Potter" on the tv, as I enjoy the free internet connection. And really, there is no other way to travel. Despite having logged about 500 miles today, we are all pretty calm, relaxed and in "vacation-mode." Tomorrow, we have about another 500 miles to go to reach my great-Aunt, where we can settle in for a few days of exploring and visiting.

Oh, and I absolutely LOVE my kindle!

Blessings of the Week

For a little over a week now, as a part of my evening prayers, I've been considering my day, looking for blessings: evidence of God's presence and His love in little ways and in big ways. It is a small change that has made a big impact in my prayer life and the way that I manage the stress and anxiety in my life.

Given all the benefits I've seen with this new practice, I decided to post three blessings every week, creating for me an ongoing journal of God's love and presence.

-1-

Good Friends: This week, I was able to unload a bunch of stress on one special friend Monday afternoon, leave the 4 kids with her for 3 1/2 hours on Tuesday afternoon so I could get a little break, and sit with her for two hours on Thursday afternoon, watching our kids running around the playground and catching up on all our news. Thank God for her.

-2-

DH: My sweet husband has really looked out for me this week. He surprised me with an early birthday present, just in time for our family trip to New Mexico. He led our family in dealing with several challenges this week and even fixed BigBro's bed (a jumping casualty) with leftover materials from his basement project. He was an outstanding partner to me all week. Thank God for him.

-3-

Morning Mass: This was the first week in about a month that I was able to get to morning mass every day. DH's business trips, illnesses, and other commitments have made it hard for me to get my day started with mass for weeks. I've really missed it. I've missed the community of folks who show up at 6:30 every day. I've missed the quiet, the prayers, the Eucharist, and the calm that permeates my day when I start with mass. It's been such a huge blessing to get this back into my routine this week. Thank you, God.

********

What about you... how has God blessed you this week?

Homeschooling: Three Years In

We are nearing the end of our third year homeschooling. Wow. I can't believe how quickly that has gone by.

When we started homeschooling, BigBro was 4. I wanted to homeschool, but I wasn't sure how to do it, or even where to start. But he was only 4, and I figured that if it wasn't working, we'd just put him in kindergarten the next year.

When January came around, I went to the Kindergarten Open House at my parish school, filled with all sorts of doubts. Homeschooling seemed to be going really well. We were having fun, he was learning, and life was fairly manageable. But I wasn't sure. Were we making the right choice? Was I screwing him up? DH and I talked for weeks about it, I prayed about it, and in the end, we decided to keep on homeschooling. After all, it was working. As long as it worked, we'd keep doing it.

Kindergarten went really well. We added a little more structure to our schedule, but it was still pretty loose. When Open House time came around again, I never even considered going. Instead, I attended two homeschooling conferences and bought materials for first grade.

This year, we've been a lot more structured. BigBro spends about 2.5-3 hours a day doing book work, and I can see a big leap in his maturity and his academics. He's also becoming more independent in his schooling, and is seeking out new interests all the time. We have the occasional grumbling about school, but for the most part, he is a diligent, interested student.

The biggest change this year happened in the beginning of March, as my niece has joined our homeschool. Suddenly, I doubled my enrollment, and have had to figure out where she is in each subject. After 6 years of sitting in a desk for 7 hours a day, homeschooling is a big change for her. She says that she likes it better than traditional school. She likes the flexibility and the more relaxed schedule. But I am a more demanding teacher than she's had. The work I am giving her is much more challenging than she is used to. Not more challenging than she is capable of, but more challenging than she is used to. So, we have that adjustment going on as well.

I sit here now, anticipating next fall with a little shiver of excitment. My enrollment is growing once again. Princess will be starting kindergarten. She is already an early reader, and enjoys playing around with some basic addition concepts. It will be fun to get to explore, read, write, and calculate with her. BigBro will be in second grade (the Sacraments... whoo-hoo!), and Niece will be in sixth.

Three years ago, I wasn't sure I could homeschool one child. Now, I can't imagine any other lifestyle.

Well, That's an Improvement

One of the things that is really important to me is that my niece gets to be a kid. Because she's an only child, she tends to be more comfortable hanging with adults. When she first visited us a little over a year ago, she wouldn't even play on the playground with the other kids; she just sat on the bench with me.

The great thing about having a bunch of little kids is how incredibly affectionate they are. Princess and LilBro climb all over Niece, hugging and kissing her in a way that would be weird or seem forced if I did it. But it is completely natural coming from them. And she just eats it up.

Today, we had a homeschool field trip to the zoo. We did a scavenger hunt in five different animal sections, looking for different examples of adaptations. Afterwards, I had a quick errand to run, and then treated the kids to lunch at a local fast food restaurant. It is a perfect spring day, and the fast food place has an outdoor play area. After lunch, we headed outside. I fully expected Niece to sit at a table with me, but she slipped off her shoes and climbed right in with the other kids. Giggling, squeals of delight, and lots of in and out, up and down followed.

I sat in the sunshine, soaking up the quiet, and offering a little prayer of thanks. She is happy. Eleven is a difficult age under the best of circumstances. Eleven is straddling childhood and the teen years. And Niece is also dealing with great changes in her life... the move 1,000 miles from home, missing her mom, switching from traditional to home school, getting used to life in a much bigger family, sharing with "siblings," and all of the structure and discipline that DH and I expect in our home. There are moments when it is a challenge for all of us. There are moments when we all want to throw up our hands.

And then there are these moments: sitting in the sunshine, listening to the squeals and giggles, thinking back over the confidence and interest that she showed during a morning's worth of science, when it all makes sense. It's not easy for any of us... Niece, our family, my sister... but this is the right place for her at this point in her life.

And, for now, that's enough.

Early Present

I hate opening presents early. I save any birthday cards that come in the mail until the actual birthday (whether mine or my kids). When DH and I were dating, he tried to convince me to open presents on Christmas Eve. The sacrilege! Absolutely not. He tried again the first Christmas after we were married. Nope. Not going to happen.


So, last night, when he approached me and asked to give me my birthday present early, I said no. (My birthday isn't until May 3... nearly 2 weeks from now). He pressed. I refused. But I could see that it was important to him, so I wavered a little. I was torn. The anticipation of the present is often more fun than the present itself, at least for me. If I let him give me my present early, I would miss out on nearly two weeks of anticipation. Especially since it appears that this year he's planned ahead. This won't be a year of sneaking out the day before to pick up something.


But he was quietly insistent. There was something about his manner last night that allowed me to say yes. I closed my eyes and waited for him to place a gift bag on my lap.


Then I opened my eyes, opened the bag, and have been floating on a cloud ever since! My amazing husband... truly my dearest friend in this world... bought me the one thing I was coveting but would never, never, not in a million years, ever buy for myself.

A Kindle 2!!!

This thing is amazing. It holds 1,000 books. I can access my blog, and the rest of the internet from it. I can order and download books in seconds. The screen uses some sort of ink-technology so that it doesn't grate on my eyes after a while, the way a computer screen does... and you can view it in bright sunlight without any glare. It is a chance for me to always, always have a book or 300 with me. It is small, lightweight, and fits easily in my purse. I love it!


So, now I need to get through all the features in the user's guide, download a few (dozen) books, and make sure it is fully charged before we leave for Albuquerque on Saturday.


Whoo-hoo! I can't wait to spend 17 hours in the car with 4 kids!

Edited to add: in less than half an hour, I've downloaded over 2 dozen books onto my Kindle, including the Bible, a bunch of classics, and a cookbook. All for free! Whoo-hoo!!!!!

Three Things

Last week, as part of my penance, Father told me to spend a few minutes in prayer before bed that night recalling three blessings from my day, and thanking God for them.

I liked this so much that when DH got home from the Hermitage on Friday, I mentioned it to him, and asked him if we could include this in our shared prayer time before bed each night. He agreed, and we started that night.

It's only been a few days, but it's really added a lot to our bedtime prayers. Even more than that, though, it's a wonderful way to end our day. Last night, we were frustrated at bedtime. We got settled in, and were complaining a bit to each other about some of our frustrations. Then I turned off the lights and we began to pray. Within a few minutes, we each shared 3 blessings from our day. By the time we had finished praying, my frustrations had dissipated. I was calm, grateful, and in the right frame of mind to drift quickly off to sleep.

Ever so much better than lying there, stewing about the little annoyances... that really, in the grand scheme of things, matter so very little.

Thanks, Father!

image source

This Dying to Self Thing...

well, sometimes, frankly, it just sucks.

I'm sorry, but it does.

Now, I'm not going to write a long, whiny, complaining post. But last night, as DH and I had to push ourselves aside again and again to deal with one thing and another for three of the four children, I made that comment. We both had a little chuckle. He pointed out that "dying to self" by definition wasn't supposed to be fun. "Yeah, Jesus probably thought the same thing while he was hanging on the cross, don't ya think?" he said.

Reminded me of this quote from Fr. Pedro Arrupe:

"Conversion is not a giving away of something that we can well afford to
lose. It goes much deeper than that. It is a putting away of
something that we are: our old self with its all-too-human, all-too-worldly
prejudices, convictions, attitudes, values, ways of thinking and acting, habits
that have become so much a part of us that it is agony even to think of parting
with them, and yet which are precisely what prevent us from rightly interpreting
the signs of the times, from seeing life steadily and seeing it whole."

from A Jesuit Off Broadway by James Martin, p.185

Here's to "seeing life steadily and seeing it whole!"

Some Random Thoughts

It's been yet another crazy week here. My humble and quick attempt to get something... anything... down:

1. We had a death in the family, which caused a bunch of things that had been scheduled for months to be shifted around and/or canceled. And I find myself at my second wake/funeral mass in less than a month. Though, admittedly, this one is a happy death... not that we are happy to have lost him from our everyday lives, but he was 89 years old, had lived a long and well-loved life, and the funeral is more a celebration of his life than an anguished "why?" as my friend's funeral was.

2. One of the things that got canceled was DH's fishing trip. Since he could no longer drive 5 hours away to fish for a long weekend, he took the opportunity to drive less than 30 minutes to the Hermitage for a day and a half. It was as good for him as it was for me. Seriously, if you live a reasonable distance from St Louis, consider making the trip someday.

3. While DH was at the Hermitage, Father was there as well. (Actually, Father - being on Spring Break - was there all week). DH was able to celebrate a private mass with Father both Thursday and Friday, and to have some spiritual direction/confession. What a gift for him! It's the first time DH has experienced Father in SD and confession... and he now understands why I love Father for both of those things.

4. Speaking of spiritual direction... Father came back from the Hermitage to meet with me for an hour on Thursday night. It was exactly what I needed, in so many ways: the chance to unload a lot of the stresses living under my shoulder blades, the wisdom I was looking for, the absolution and several really helpful penances. All good stuff. What a blessing!

5. We are getting ready to go to Albuquerque for a week. We leave next Saturday... man, that really sneaked up on me! My great-Aunt lives there, and as she is getting older and her health is declining, this seemed like a good time to make the trek. In preparation for the trip, we added a fourth Nintendo DS to the family. It really doesn't do much good to have 4 children and 3 DS's... bad math. LilBro has been working really hard on remembering to use the toilet, and finally earned enough stars for that 4th DS (though, frankly, he was getting it anyway... 1,000 miles in a minivan with bad math is not a good plan!)

The Hidden Gem in Pevely, MO

Last Thursday night, my friend and I left the busyness and noisiness of our family lives and drove less than thirty minutes to a place of unparalleled peace and quiet. We spent the next day and a half soaking up the quiet as guests at the Vision of Peace Hermitages in Pevely, MO.

Located less than 2 miles off the highway, the Vision of Peace Hermitages are tucked into the bluffs overlooking the Mississippi River. Each hermitage is a private studio-style apartment, with a private bath, a kitchenette, and a twin bed. The hermitages are simple and cozy. Hand-crocheted afghans drape across the bed and along the back of the rocking chair. Cross-stitched wall hangings announce the name of each Hermitage. I stayed in "Glimpse of Glory." My friend was in "Tree of Life."

Vision of Peace has nine hermitages. We were blessed to stay in two of the three that sit directly above the Mississippi. Saturday morning, I lay in my bed watching the sun rise over the river, not a person, building, or sign of civilization in sight, except the occasional barge swimming downriver.

In addition to the peaceful views, there are hiking trails that take you through the woods and along the Mississippi. I spent hours on Friday, in the misty spring rain, walking along the tracks, drinking in the signs of early Spring.

Vision of Peace also has a chapel available for group or private use all day. Morning and Evening Prayer are celebrated in the chapel, and a daily Communion Service is available. (When a priest is visiting, mass may be celebrated in place of the Communion service). The chapel has a Tabernacle where the Blessed Sacrament is kept in reserve.

We were so very fortunate that a priest was also visiting last week. We were able to celebrate the Good Friday Passion service privately... my friend, the Hermitage director, the priest and myself. It was an intimate and deeply reverent way to mark the end of Lent, and the holiest days of the entire year.

Friday night, my friend and I planned our next visit to Vision of Peace. We had a chance to talk more with Larry Ponder, the director (is there a more appropriate name for the director of a Hermitage than "ponder"?). Larry is warm, inviting and easy-going. His gentle eyes smile easily as he talks in awe of the beauty that each new season brings to the Hermitages.

I could not believe the deep peace that filled me after just a day and a half away. I've gone away for longer stretches, and not reached that same peacefulness. The knot that lives under my left shoulder blade (where I keep all my stress) was gone... no expensive massages, no complicated spa treatments, no drugs. Just some quiet, some prayer, some nature, some silence... somehow, that was the magic elixir I was needing.

Vision of Peace asks only a $35 donation for each night in the Hermitages. To keep the costs so reasonable, each guest is asked to clean and set up the Hermitage for the next guest before leaving. Larry has everything you need all set out in individual laundry baskets. My friend and I both commented with some surprise that the simple act of remaking the bed, wiping down the surfaces and sweeping the floor added to the experience. It was a tender act, a "paying it forward," a caring for the next guest, just as someone else had cared for us.

After storing our gear in the trunk of my car, and giving Larry a gentle hug, we drove down the long gravel drive to the main road. I paused, took one last deep breath, and promised myself that I will be back... often. This little gem, hidden less than thirty minutes from my house, is exactly the answer I've been looking for... a place to recharge my batteries that is both close and budget-friendly.

To contact Larry to schedule a visit or for more information, check out the Vision of Peace website.

Happy Easter!

From my daily devotional, "2009: A Book of Grace Filled Days" by Alice Camille for today:

No one actually saw the Resurrection. While it was arguably the most
extraordinary moment in human history, there were no eyewitnesses. God
chose not to make a spectacle of a miracle more astonishing than the parting of
the Red Sea. All the Gospel participants get is what they leave to
us: the story of an open and empty grave. This is not
evidence. It is an event that requires faith. Either we believe it
or we don't.

And our choice makes all the difference in the world.

May you have a Blessed and Happy Easter!

On the Sacrament of Peace

A good friend and I have been sparring via email for several weeks now. It's been (mostly) friendly, though, admittedly, I did get a little heated about a week and a half ago. She's been struggling with the age-old question so many Catholics (and Christians) struggle with: Why is the Sacrament of Reconciliation necessary? Why can't I just confess my sins directly to God?

Our conversation has challenged me on several levels. She has a deep, true faith in the Trinity, and a deep love of the Catholic Church. She is not placated with simple explanations or references to the Catechism. She is looking deeper, for Truth, in all it's permutations.

In the process of arguing different points (and believe me, I argued them all), I lost my focus on the reason why I love this Sacrament so much: the Peace... in no other way, in no other experience, do I so fully come to know the Peace of Christ.

When I seek out the Sacrament, it is purely out of love... not guilt, fear, obligation or an over-focus on sinfulness. I go out of love.

I love Jesus. I love God. And I want to be the best person I can be. Loving God makes me want to do better, be better, love better. I've experienced this Sacrament in a lot of different ways (too often, not often enough, face-to-face with the same confessor, anonymously behind the screen, and any combination of the above). And the plain fact is... I love this Sacrament.

It fills me with such peace. It really does help me grow into a better person. And I don't believe that I am overly focused on "sin" ... but on where I want to be... how I want to live... and I go to the Sacrament for help in getting there, for gentle support when I am falling short, and for guidance in how to grow ever closer to God. I go for forgiveness, yes. Of course. But also for peace.

And because I find this sacrament to be so peace-filled, so joyful, so loving, I want everyone to experience it. I am a bit of a confession zealot, because it fills me so clearly with the Love and Peace of Christ.

Today is the final day of Lent. The Triduum begins tomorrow... the three holiest days of the year, leading up to the most beautiful and joyful day of the entire year: Easter... the celebration of the Resurrection of Our Lord.

If you haven't had a chance to experience the peace and love of Christ in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, there's still time. Many parishes still have Reconciliation times today. Why not seek it out?

May God grant you pardon and peace...

May you have a very Blessed Triduum!

image source: SQPN

One More Lenten Penance

It's not over yet... there's still time for a little more Lent this year.

I mentioned recently that I had some hardness in my heart, some anger that I was holding on to. Unfortunately, several things happened in the past week that caused my anger to smolder and strengthen, and offering forgiveness before Easter seemed like a distant dream.

Last night, I went out with a friend and poured it all out. How on earth am I going to receive Jesus on Easter with a happy heart? My heart is so filled with venom right now.

She listened. Gently, wisely, kindly, she offered me her support. She nodded and smiled and squeezed my hand at all the right places.

Then she made a really concrete suggestion. It was one I'd considered... something I knew I had to do... but also something which I knew would lead to conflict and confrontation. And I want to avoid both of those things as much as I can. Oh, I can argue and debate with the best of them, but with this person, I just want distance, I want to walk away, and I want to forgive without a whole big "thing" between us.

Well, I took my friend's suggestion to prayer this morning, and decided to do it... even if it leads to some level of confrontation. Perhaps trying to avoid confrontation, to try to maximize my comfort in all this isn't the right attitude to have anyway. After all, I do have a part in this whole problem... trying to avoid all confrontation doesn't force me to take responsibility for my part.

I feel my heart softening a bit; forgiveness feels more doable. Easter is coming, and I am getting ready for it... in all the ways that really matter.

Some Things I Love About Being Catholic

This weekend, DH and I attended the wake and funeral for the woman who died last Monday. It was a very emotional and difficult experience. We weren't close with her or her family. We were friendly acquaintances. Yet, we've both had a hard time dealing with the reality of her being taken so suddenly... of her husband and daughters left without a chance to say "goodbye."

Saturday morning, as we sat in a pew of the six-row-deep-standing-room-only church (seriously, think high mass on Easter Sunday and add a few dozen people!), I found myself reflecting on the beauty of the Catholic funeral mass. It's been a while since I've attended a funeral mass. The deaths in DH's family these past few years have only had brief prayer services at the funeral home. And I realized what had been missing from those services: hope.

As Catholics, we have a beautiful way of sending our loved ones off to their final reward. We mourn, yes. We remember their life. We talk about the legacy left behind. All of those things were done in the prayer services, too. But, in the mass, we look forward as well. We celebrate the hope that our loved one now rests in Christ. We celebrate the hope that one day, we will be reunited in God's Kingdom. We see, touch and consume Hope. In the celebration of the Eucharist, we see the Risen Lord, and we hope for the same for our loved one... and ourselves.

****************************************************************

Saturday afternoon, I needed some time alone. It was a beautiful day, and I couldn't bear to be stuck inside the little Adoration chapel that I so love. I needed to be outside, feeling the wind and the sun on my face. I drove over to the bike trail, and walked along until I reached a patch of woods near the creek. I slipped in between the tree limbs and fallen trunks, and tucked myself in the nook of a tree, right at the edge of the creek.

I wanted... needed... to pray. But I couldn't find the words for everything that was tossing in my heart and swirling in my head. I sat, quietly, for a bit. And then I turned to the words I knew... the prayers I had learned as a small child... for comfort. I realized what a gift it was to have these prayers, ready at my fingertips, for those times when I just didn't have the words.

After some time with spoken prayer, I felt myself calm enough to just "be" in God's Presence. I sat there, noticing His amazing creation, and giving thanks for the joy of experiencing it right then. For a while, no words were necessary. Eventually, I began to pray in words again; this time, my own. And the first thing I prayed was thanks.

Thanks for the gift of this faith, to help me find a way to make sense of this tragic loss. Thanks for providing the tools I need for comfort, when I can't comfort myself. Thanks for the gifts of community, of hope, and of connection. And thanks for the peace of that moment... sitting, fully aware, in the Presence of the Creator.

Thoughts on an Early Spring Morning

We were biking on the trail again yesterday. There's a section that winds along a creek, through the woods. It's one of our favorite sections, because of the variety of terrain. Most of the rest of the trail is pretty straightforward. But this one section winds and dips, has little hills and lots more wildlife.

We've biked about 4 days a week, each of the past two weeks, and we always do the same section of the trail. The kids have been pointing out the little signs of Spring. Last week, a few wildflowers were popping out here and there. This week, the grass was much greener, and was dotted throughout with yellow and purple blooms.

Yesterday, the older three children biked ahead a bit. I was coasting along at a much slower pace, keeping stride with LilBro. His little legs were pumping at warp speed, but the small wheels on the trike only go so fast. This stretch of the trail has a few small hills. Nothing challenging to me or the older kids, but definitely a bit of a workout for the younger two. Both Princess and LilBro are learning what it means to coast downhill. LilBro, especially, loves to lift up his feet and watch the pedals of the trike spin out of control. "Whoo-hoo!" he yells.

Such glee. Such peace. Such beauty. Such a gift.

As I was getting the bikes on the rack yesterday afternoon, Niece told me how much she loved homeschooling. I asked why. She said, "Because we can get our work done quicker, and can then go do fun stuff like bike riding. In regular school, if I get my work done quickly, I have to just sit and be quiet, or they give me more work to do." Well said. It's what I like about homeschooling too... and what drew me to it. All that wasted time in a school building, when the work was already done, and there was a great, wide world out there, waiting to be explored.

This was a rough winter. We didn't get a lot of snow or ice, but it was brutally cold for weeks on end. We were cooped up and cabin fever was rampant. How glorious it feels now that Spring's arrived... to be outside most of every day, to be shedding our coats and soaking up the sun's rays. To hear the chirping of the birds, see the earth come to life again, and to know how blessed we are to be able to enjoy every moment of it.

A Lesson in Appreciating the Little Moments

It's so easy for me to get caught up in all there is to do, all that's on my plate, and to lose my true focus in any given moment.

A typical day around here includes several loads of laundry, emptying and refilling the dishwasher, prep and clean-up of three meals plus snacks, school work for two children (and sometimes more... if Princess and LilBro are also asking to "do school"), bills to be paid (or at least bank accounts to be resolved), sweeping (and vacuuming/mopping), straightening clutter, putting away toys, kissing of "boo-boos," refereeing arguments, and lately - since the weather's improved - fitting in a bike ride or walk in the afternoons as a family. Any given day also holds it's share of outside activities: dance classes, art classes, sports practices, field trips, scouts, playdates.

So maybe it's understandable that I can get caught up in the list and lose the moment. That it really is quicker and easier to prepare the meal myself than to move over and make room for my little "helpers." That my heart isn't always in the "boo-boo" kisses and my mind isn't fully present for the knock-knock jokes.

Understandable, maybe. But not ok.

On Monday afternoon this week, a woman from my parish - someone I knew but not a close friend - went for a bike ride. She did this often. It was a regular part of an ordinary day, some small time for herself that she eked out between mothering two girls, being a loving wife, and working tirelessly for the parish. Some small way of taking care of herself - physically and mentally. But Monday was not an ordinary day. At some point during her ride, she collapsed. By the grace of God, a paramedic was nearby, and help was summoned. But she didn't make it. She died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, at the age of 40, leaving behind a husband and two daughters, ages 8 and 10.

Monday night, as word spread around our community, I was shocked, grieved, angry. DH and I shared tears and prayers over long distance phone lines. Tuesday morning, I awoke, my first thoughts of her husband, and the intensity of the grief he must be feeling, waking this morning to the new reality of his life... to the knowledge that her death wasn't some horrendous nightmare.

I have kept her and her family in my thoughts and prayers over the past 24 hours. But I've also noticed a change in myself. I found myself noticing, appreciating, giving thanks for all of the little moments that make up my days.

"Mommy, can I help you make lunch?"

"Aunt Jen, did I ever tell you about..."

"Meow... I'm a kitty, not a LilBro."

I tried harder to be more present all day yesterday. I turned the computer off for large portions of the day, checking just my email once every few hours, to see if there was any more news. I said yes to every offer to "help" me. I took the kids for a bike ride, and stopped every time LilBro wanted to pick some flowers. I pointed out the duck swimming in the creek. We all stopped and spent about 5 minutes watching a garter snake cross the trail.

Of course, the trick is to keep this presence of mind into the present and beyond. To hold onto the preciousness of each moment, to remember the gift that this life is. To never forget that first and foremost, I am here to mother, to love, to serve. Everything else is details. Everything else is less important. Not unimportant, but less important.

To appreciate the absolute truth that it's these little moments, the ordinary bits of the regular days, that actually matter most in our lives.