Monday, December 29, 2008


Yesterday, in the Adoration Chapel, I spent a long time praying about the Spiritual Director role for the next CRHP (Christ Renews His Parish) Team. I never wrote about how I came to take on this role. Because I am on the CRHP Continuation Committee, I was running several of the post-Retreat formation meetings to set the new team. The final evening, the Evening of Discernment, came, and I left my house with every intention of having this be my final commitment to CRHP. Truthfully, I was getting a little worn out from the CRHP commitments of the past few years.

About halfway through the meeting, during some quiet, prayerful time of personal discernment of the new team members, I very clearly heard "Spiritual Director" in my head. I immediately dismissed the phrase. (This was right in the midst of the DH's job layoff uncertainties). The phrase persisted, and as I began to "argue" in my head, I repeatedly heard the response: "TRUST."

The time came for the group to share the results of their discernments. No one discerned the Spiritual Director role, and I began to hear "Speak Up!" in my head. Again, I argued. (I am so much more Zechariah than Mary!) I refused to speak up, despite the persistence of the voice in my head. The meeting ended and I began to clean up the room. Almost immediately, I was approached by a woman who said that she was getting a really strong feeling that I was supposed to be the Spiritual Director for this team. I began to cry. A few minutes later, another woman came over to say goodbye, and told me that she had been hearing my name and Spiritual Director in her head for the last 2o minutes. I turned to the Tabernacle and said, "Fine. You win. I'll do it." I walked over to the Lay Director and told her that she had found her Spiritual Director.

I immediately felt peace with that decision, and though I was a little worried about DH's response (it is a big time commitment), he was completely and totally supportive. All was well, and I became excited about this opportunity.

But in the past few days, I've finally had a chance to look at the manual and see exactly what it means to be the Spiritual Director... and I've become overwhelmed. This is a big job. And an important job. And way beyond my abilities/knowledge/experience/readiness. I feel completely inadequate for the role.

So, yesterday, I took those concerns to Jesus. I asked him why He had chosen me. I told him I didn't think I could do the job. I didn't get any response, no words resonating in my head again. Just deep silence.

This morning, I woke up early. I've been sleeping in while DH is on break, and have been going to 8:15 mass. But I was up early this morning, and it just made sense to go to 6:30 mass. So, I got up and went.

Father's homily was about the martyrs we honor in these first Octave days of Christmas. He told us that we are all called to stretch ourselves for the faith. We are called to constant conversion, growth, and to be pushing ourselves outside our comfort zones to be more and more like Christ in each moment of each day. To live in safety, security, and same-ness is not to live as a Christian. Even if we do not feel ready or able, Christ calls us to stretch and grow all the same. If we do the work, He will provide what is lacking.

Just as He provides the answers I need.

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