Spiritual Attacks

If you're a semi-regular reader, you've noticed that I haven't been posting much, since my return from the blogging break a month ago. And the little that I have posted has been mostly about my kids.

It's not, at all, that I have nothing to say in the area of faith, spirituality, prayer, etc. In fact, I have much to say, have several incomplete posts, many rambling pages in my journal. I have just not had the heart to finish my thoughts. I've been struggling with the Evil One in many ways... and the two strongest hits he's been taking with me are 1) in my ability to express my thoughts with any conviction and 2) in my desire/interest/confidence to move forward on any faith-based ideas I might have.

This afternoon, this gorgeous, not a cloud in the sky, no humidity, no pressures, just a nice afternoon with my kids, I hit the wall. I sat there, in the glory of His amazing Creation, and instead of noticing the beauty, I wondered if any of it mattered even the smallest bit. I doubted... deep and strong.

And almost immediately, I knew that I was facing the Evil One. I prayed for strength. I bristled, listening to the Christian rock song playing on the radio, for the first time finding myself annoyed at (rather than lifted up by) the message of hope. And then I heard the d.j. between songs talking about Truth. I remembered the words of my Spiritual Director on Wednesday night: God is both absolute Love and absolute Truth. Somehow, I was able to shake off the doubts and breathe deeply.

I went home, had a picnic on the family room floor with my two younger kids (BigBro and DH are camping), and prayed a bit more. Then, I spent my evening making two strong commitments to the Lord: 1) I scheduled the next retreat I will run at Vision of Peace for Lent 2011 and 2) I spent three hours fleshing out a program that is very near and dear to my heart, and for which I have a deadline of next Friday.

And the part of it all that amazes me the absolute most: how easy it all was. Both of those things had been such stumbling blocks for me; I had been weighed down by my own inner demons. As soon as I made the commitment to the Lord, all the weight lifted off my shoulders, the ideas flowed freely, and I've felt the presence of the Holy Spirit with me throughout this entire evening.

I always forget how easy it is to get lost along this path. I think, sometimes, because I pray regularly, attend mass often, and live my faith life as best as I can, that I think I'm immune to spiritual attacks. Oh, how wrong I can be! And yet, the answer, over and over and over again is to turn back to Him, to find my strength in Him, and to trust that He is in all things, of all things, and with me always.